The Big Book of Senior Moments Read online

  He was arrested and charged with one felony count of boarding an aircraft with a weapon.

  “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

  —Albert Einstein

  Department of Redundancy Department

  A twenty-seven-year-old Denver resident doubled his trouble.

  After being convicted on theft charges—for stealing a GPS device—the man was fitted with an ankle monitor that allowed the court to track his whereabouts. He didn’t let the tracking bracelet stop him from burglarizing fifteen houses while wearing it. While he allegedly made off with some nice hauls—one victim reported that $90,000 worth of goods had been stolen—his glory was short-lived. When he was arrested after one burglary, cops were able to use the GPS data from his ankle bracelet to tie him to the others. He was convicted and sent to another place where police know where he is: prison.

  “It is a blessing to get old. It is a blessing to find the time to do the things, to read the books, to listen to the music … I have nothing now but praise for my life.”

  —Maurice Sendak

  Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

  Answer: Tied shoes.

  “Here is my biggest takeaway after sixty years on the planet: There is great value in being fearless. For too much of my life, I was too afraid, too frightened by it all. That fear is one of my biggest regrets.”

  —Diane Keaton

  “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

  —Lucille Ball

  Wisdom of the Ages

  When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.

  As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints—this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, she reported. The doctor responded with, “Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?”

  The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Anyone who’s 99.”

  Rule One: Recognize Talent

  In an effort to help rehabilitate inmates, a prison in England offered adult education classes to its convicts.

  One prisoner used his class time in an IT course to hack the prison’s computer system. Why was this man incarcerated in the first place? Oh, yeah, for hacking computers.

  “I’ve been attending lots of seminars in my retirement. They’re called naps.”

  —Merri Brownworth

  “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.”

  —Bob Hope

  Rest in Pieces

  A New Hampshire woman who told police she dug up her father’s grave in search of his “real will” but found only vodka and cigarettes was sentenced recently to one and a half years to three years in prison. She told police last year she dug up the grave “with respect” and her father “would be okay with it.”

  The fifty-three-year-old was one of four accused in the plan to open her father’s vault, then rifle through his casket last in a scheme that a prosecutor compared to an Edgar Allan Poe story. Two pleaded guilty and one was acquitted.

  Police said the woman felt she was shorted in her share of the inheritance after her father died in 2004. But no will was found in the casket.

  A local paper reported that the judge in the case noted the smashed concrete vault that housed the coffin of Eddie Nash and the disturbed body found the next morning.

  “The patrolman said the gravesite of Eddie Nash did not look right,” Bornstein said. “That is the understatement of the century.”

  The remains have since been re-interred at the cemetery.

  Second Chance Dummy

  A twenty-year-old Chicago resident in court to apply for the city’s “second chance program” related to a felony marijuana offense was arrested after court security officers found pot on him.

  The young defendant was charged with misdemeanor marijuana possession after officers found 1.4 grams of marijuana in his pocket as he was going through security at the St. Charles courthouse, according to a sheriff’s report.

  “I forgot I had this in my pocket,” he was quoted as telling officers.

  Off to a Good Start

  A newlywed bride was forced to retrieve her husband’s rented tuxedo from the local jail after he was arrested shortly following their wedding ceremony.

  Police say the groom was wanted on two domestic relations warrants and two traffic citations. Police were tipped off that the forty-two-year-old was getting married at a church near Allentown, Pennsylvania.

  Officers made the arrest shortly after the groom said “I do.” The groom was not allowed to stay for his wedding’s reception, and his wife had to go to the Carbon County Prison to retrieve his rented tux.

  The Perfect Wife

  A senior citizen said to his eighty-year-old buddy: “So I hear you’re getting married?”

  “Yep!”

  “Do I know her?”

  “Nope!”

  “This woman, is she good looking?”

  “Not really.”

  “Is she a good cook?”

  “Naw, she can’t cook too well.”

  “Does she have lots of money?”

  “Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”

  “Well, then, is she good in bed?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”

  “Because she can still drive after dark!”

  “Old age is clearly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

  —Satchel Paige

  Leave No Child Behind

  Bring Your Child to Work Day is a time-honored tradition that allows children to experience the business world while watching their parents ply their trade. With that in mind, one father brought his young son along with him on a job.

  His job happened to be robbing a pet expo. He was caught soon after, in part because of what he’d left behind—his son.

  “A man growing old becomes a child again.”

  —Sophocles

  Caregiving Child

  “My parents and I were in a doctor’s waiting room. We saw an old friend and talked with him and then went back to our seats. Mom (who is deaf) kept saying over and over REALLY loud, ‘Wow, has he gained a lot of weight. Looks like he’s really going downhill.’ I couldn’t make her stop, so I just died inside and smiled outside. I tried to say ‘sorry’ by osmosis to the dear man.”

  —From a Caregiving Child

  “My 83-year-old mother is living with us now. We finally got her to go out and eat one night. We got our food, and she said LOUDLY, ‘Well, no wonder you all never lose weight.’ I wanted to crawl under the table.”

  —From a Caregiving Child

  “My mother can’t hear to follow conversation in a noisy environment, so she just sits quietly and doesn’t participate. During a loud family get-together, my oldest son was pondering what he should get his best friend as a wedding gift. Out of the blue, my conservative mom yells loudly, ‘CONDOMS!’ The room went silent until we all bursting out laughing!”

  —From a Caregiving Child

  The Duke’s Best Day

  At high noon on a cold November day in 1974, sixty-seven-year-old John Wayne faced off with the staff of the Harvard Lampoon on the famous campus in Cambridge, Massachusetts. The students had issued their challenge by calling the beloved American icon a fraud. Wayne, who had his new movie McQ to promote, responded by saying he would be happy to show his film in the pseudo-intellectual swamps of Harvard Square. After the screening, without writers, the former USC footballer delivered a classic performance. When one smart young man asked where he got his phony toupee, Wayne insisted the hair was real. It wasn’t his, but it was real. The appreciative underclassmen loved him and after the Q and A session, they all sat dow
n to dinner. Later Wayne, who was suffering greatly from both gout and the after effects of lung cancer (sadly the Duke only had five years to live), said that day at Harvard was the best time he ever had.

  A Wise Man, Or Just a Wise Guy

  I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees. I have fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take forty different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

  I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m eighty-five or ninety-two. I’ve lost all my friends.

  But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

  “Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”

  —Will Rogers

  Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

  A nineteen-year-old man from College Station, Texas, was apparently goofing around with some friends when, somehow, he got his right hand caught in a set of handcuffs. The young man and his friends did not know how to remove them so they decided to visit the local police station to see if the cops might be able to set him free.

  This would have been a good idea, if not for two things. First, the young man was wanted on an outstanding warrant for criminal mischief. Second, he had a small amount of marijuana in his front pocket when he walked into the police station.

  “For somebody to come in with handcuffs, a warrant, and marijuana. In twenty-seven years this has never happened before,” one officer told the local newspaper after booking the young man.

  “The older I get the more things I gotta leave behind.”

  —Sylvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa

  Check First

  Christopher Lowcock was under house arrest in England on drug and weapons charges. To make sure he would not violate curfew, police attached an electronic tag to his leg. The problems for police started when the leg they attached the tag to was prosthetic. Lowcock simply took it off and headed out for a well-deserved night on the town.

  “The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.”

  —Albert Einstein

  Brotherly Love

  A Pittsburgh man charged with attacking his brother with a baseball bat made bail, promising to return to court when his trial came around. But when that day came he was nowhere in sight, an absence that landed him on the Allegheny County Top 20 Most Wanted Fugitives List.

  If this story ended there it might have been merely interesting. What made it even more so was his later arrest. Shortly after his successful election, Pittsburgh Mayor-elect Bill Peduto hosted a victory party at the greater Pittsburgh Coliseum, featuring free food, free beer, and lots and lots of concerned citizens. One of those citizens noticed that one of the Peduto supporters lounging around the beverage table looked a lot like the noted bail jumper.

  He was arrested by another party attendee, a Pittsburgh cop.

  Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?

  Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

  “As men get older, the toys get more expensive.”

  —Marvin Davis

  “No man is ever old enough to know better.”

  —Holbrook Jackson

  Famous Forgetters

  The culture of narcissism, of loving oneself and spending long hours being uncomfortable without a mirror nearby, has long bred an amazing and rich mine at which others can find mother lodes of dumbness. Maybe it’s related to too much time in the spotlight. All those glaring cameras and uninterrupted attention makes it hard to think clearly.

  “Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.”

  —Terry Pratchett

  Check the Pockets

  Jimmy Carter once left the uber-secret codes for emergency nuclear launches in his suit coat and sent it to the dry cleaners.

  “All of us could take a lesson from the weather.

  It pays no attention to criticism.”

  —Anonymous

  The First Famous Forgetter?

  Ansel Bourne was a well-known evangelical preacher from Greene, Rhode Island, who took a trip to visit his sister in Providence on January 17, 1887. For unexplained reasons, he ended up withdrawing his savings instead and traveling to Norristown, Pennsylvania. While there, he decided to open up a variety store under the name Albert J. Brown and started a new life.

  When Bourne woke up on the morning of March 15, he had no idea where he was. He became very confused when residents told him his name was Albert J. Brown. In his mind, it was still January 17 and he had no memory of his previous two months in Norristown. After returning to Rhode Island, Bourne was studied by the Society for Physical Research. Under hypnosis, he would assume the persona of Albert J. Brown. The hypnotized Bourne told a back story about Brown that was similar to his own, but denied knowledge of anyone named Ansel Bourne. It was probably the first documented case of a psychiatric disorder known as the “fugue state,” a form of amnesia that causes a person to lose their identity for a period of time before their memory suddenly returns. After the hypnosis, Ansel Bourne lived out the rest of his life without incident and never assumed the persona of Albert J. Brown again.

  “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when we look back everything is different.”

  —C. S. Lewis

  “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

  —Stephen Wright

  White House Forgetter

  Raymond Robins was a noted economist and advocate of organized labor who often worked closely with the White House on such issues as prohibition and establishing diplomatic relations with Russia. On September 3, 1932, Robins had a meeting scheduled with President Herbert Hoover, but never showed up. He was last seen leaving the City Club in Manhattan. Robins’s disappearance made headlines, leading to speculation that he might have been the victim of organized crime, but there were also reported sightings of him acting strangely while wandering the streets of Chicago. On November 18, Robins was discovered living under the name Reynolds H. Rogers in Whittier, a small town in the mountains of North Carolina.

  Robins had apparently arrived in the town one week after he disappeared, claiming that he was a miner from Kentucky. He lived in a boarding house, spent most of his time prospecting, and became a popular figure in the community. Even though Robins had a grown a beard by that time, someone recognized him from a photograph in the newspaper and contacted the authorities. Robins’ nephew went to Whittier to identify him, but Robins did not recognize him and had no memory of his previous life. After reuniting with his wife and undergoing psychiatric treatment, Robins finally started to regain his memory. It was speculated that a combination of stress and emotional strain might have caused Robins to enter a fugue state, prompting him to assume a new identity.

  “Every morning is the dawn of a new error.”

  —Anonymous

  Speed the Prompter

  Actress Lindsay Lohan made her West End London stage debut, starring in David Mamet’s Hollywood satire, Speed-the-Plow, and forgot her lines during the second act, even with prompting. One critic was sympathetic, writing “the pressure must have been immense.” Other critics were not so kind.

  “Lindsay Lohan’s acting is that of a not specially gifted schoolgirl,” sniffed one.

  Where Is Jack?

  Actor Jack Nicholson has reportedly retired from acting because his memory will no longer allow him to learn the lines.

  “Live every day as if it were your last. Because one day, you’ll be right.”

  —Anonymous

  “It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.”

  —Anonymous

  Oh Say What?

  Botched lyrics and technical difficulties made it tough for American Idol winner Scotty McCreery to get through the national anthem w
hen he performed it at a World Series game.

  First, the country singer had to start the song over after the microphone malfunctioned. Then on his second attempt, he accidentally sang “no Jose” instead of “oh say.”

  “Now, as I move through my fifties, I can be professional and domestic, creative and intellectual, patient and urgent. I have learned that we should never settle for someone else’s definition of who we can be. Growing to this age, I realize, is kind of like feeling your voice deepen. It’s still your voice, but it has more substance, and it sounds like it knows its own origins.”

  —Susan Sarandon

  Just Want to Remember

  “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” singer Cyndi Lauper fudged the lyrics to the national anthem while performing at the US Tennis Open in Flushing, New York. Instead of singing, “were so gallantly streaming,” the eighties rocker sort of blurted out, “as our flag was still streaming.”

  It Could Happen to Anyone

  The Voice judge Christina Aguilera “got lost in the moment of the song” during her Super Bowl performance recently.

  Singing “The Star-Spangled Banner” to kick off the championship game between the Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers, Aguilera messed up the line, “O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming,” repeating an earlier line of the song that she also botched.

  Aguilera sang “What so proudly we watched at the twilight’s last gleaming” instead of the correct lyric, which begins “What so proudly we hailed.”

  The Great Gambon

  The theater world in Britain was shocked after one of its favorite sons, actor Michael Gambon, announced that he would give up live theater work due to failing memory. He would be restricting himself to films and television, areas of the business in which an inability to remember lines is not so cruelly exposed.

  Long before he achieved international fame as Professor Dumbledore in the Harry Potter films, “the great Gambon” (as he’s universally known within the business) was considered a prodigious talent.