The Big Book of Senior Moments Page 7

  Who

  on his Death Bed

  in the Bitterness of his Heart

  at the Malicious Power of his Enemies

  Desired

  these words to be engraved on his Tomb Stone:

  “‘Here lies One Whose Name was writ in Water. ’”

  —Tombstone of John Keats

  “Quoth the raven, ‘Nevermore.’”

  —Tombstone of Edgar Allan Poe

  “The reason so many people showed up at his funeral was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.”

  —Samuel Goldwyn, referring to fellow film producer Louis B. Mayer

  “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”

  —Yogi Berra

  “Why is it that we rejoice at a wedding and cry at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.”

  —Mark Twain

  “I think you should live your life so that the maximum number of people will attend your funeral.”

  —Scott Adams

  “The first thing you should do when you get up is read the obituaries. You never know when you’ll see a name that will just make your day.”

  —Ed Salisbury

  “They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.”

  —Garrison Keillor

  “At Rest

  An American Soldier

  And Defender of the Constitution”

  —Tombstone of Jefferson Davis

  “Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.”

  —Ambrose Bierce

  “Nobody will say on their deathbed: ‘I wish I had spent more time in the office.’”

  —Anonymous

  “You know your life is over when you own a lawnmower.”

  —Todd Skinner

  “When you were born, you cried, and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.”

  —Indian Proverb

  “All stories, if continued far enough, end in death.”

  —Ernest Hemingway

  “Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”

  —Mark Twain

  “The Best Is Yet To Come.”

  —Tombstone of Frank Sinatra

  “The Entertainer

  He did it all”

  —Tombstone of Sammy Davis Jr.

  “… that nothing’s so sacred as honor and nothing’s so loyal as love”

  —Tombstone of Wyatt Earp

  “The Body of B. Franklin, Printer; like the Cover of an old Book, Its Contents torn out,

  And stript of its Lettering and Gilding, Lies here, Food for Worms.

  But the Work shall not be wholly lost; For it will, as he believ’d, appear once more, In a new & more perfect Edition, Corrected and amended By the Author.”

  —Tombstone of Benjamin Franklin

  “Murdered By A Traitor and A Coward Whose Name Is Not Worthy To Appear Here”

  —Tombstone of Jesse James

  “The mortal remains of Ethan Allen, fighter, writer, statesman, and philosopher,

  lie in this cemetery beneath the marble statue.

  His spirit is in Vermont now.”

  —Tombstone of Ethan Allen

  “Truth and History.

  21 Men.

  The Boy Bandit King—

  He Died As He Lived.”

  —Tombstone of William H. Bonney, Billy the Kid

  “My Jesus Mercy”

  —Tombstone of Alphonse “Al” Capone

  Politics

  A well-known journalist once wrote that the biggest gaffe a politician can make is telling the truth. If that were true, there would be very few gaffes. It seems politics, politicians, and jaw-dropping senior moments go together like soup and sandwiches or Larry, Curly, and Moe. The marriage of politics and doltishness has been a solid one since the first man ran for office, to the point that saying “dumb politician” is very close to redundant. Pointing this out is not unlike shooting fish in a barrel.

  “Old age is no place for sissies.”

  —Bette Davis

  Imagine That

  The mayor of a California city struggling with a spike in burglaries and other crimes has apologized for promoting a class about how to pick locks in her newsletter.

  Oakland Mayor Jean Quan said Wednesday she understood the reaction of people who were upset about a listing for the lock-picking class. She said she will do a better job reviewing listings in the future.

  The class—offered through the website, workshopweekend.net—was geared toward people who misplace their keys. But it didn’t go over well with some residents given the city’s crime woes, including a more than forty percent jump in burglaries last year.

  “As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say.

  I just watch what they do.”

  —Andrew Carnegie

  Mind Like a Steel Trap

  Texas Governor Rick Perry, on a quest for the Republican Presidential nomination, had a slight setback in a televised debate in front of millions.

  Perry tried to name the three federal agencies he would like to eliminate if he is elected president, but he was able to name just two: the Commerce and Education Departments.

  Perry received some assistance from fellow candidate Ron Paul, who suggested that he should actually eliminate five agencies. At another point in the debate, someone else helpfully suggested that perhaps Perry was talking about the Environmental Protection Agency. He said that agency wasn’t it, and ended with a simple, “Oops.”

  “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

  —George W. Bush

  Honesty Is Not the Best Policy

  You only get one chance to make a first impression. But after the 1992 vice-presidential debate, Admiral James Stockdale was begging for a second. During his introduction, Stockdale began by saying, “Who am I, why am I here? I’m not a politician, everybody knows that …” This moment of honesty—followed by his unfocused performance during the debate—led voters to believe that Stockdale was in over his head. His joke tanked, and instead he became a national punch line.

  “Old minds are like old horses; you must exercise them if you wish to keep them in working order.”

  —John Adams

  From the Master Forgetter

  Ronald Reagan was never particularly admired for his memory. In 1992, three years after leaving the White House, Reagan’s forgetting became impossible to ignore. He was eighty-one.

  In his stable of disarming jokes were several about memory troubles afflicting the elderly. He shared one at a 1985 dinner honoring Senator Russell Long:

  “An elderly couple was getting ready for bed one night,” Reagan told the crowd. “The wife turned to her husband and said, ‘I’m just so hungry for ice cream and there isn’t any in the house.’

  “‘I’ll get you some,’ her husband offered.

  “‘You’re a dear,’ she said. ‘Vanilla with chocolate sauce. Write it down—you’ll forget.’

  “‘I won’t forget,’ he said.

  “‘With whipped cream on top.’

  “‘Vanilla with chocolate sauce and whipped cream on top,’ he repeated.

  “‘And a cherry,’ she said.

  “‘And a cherry on top.’

  “‘Please write it down,’ she said. ‘I know you’ll forget.’

  “‘I won’t forget,’ he insisted. ‘Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry on top.’”

  “The husband went off and returned after a while with a paper bag, which he handed to his wife in bed. She opened up the bag, and pulled out a ham sandwich.

 
“‘I told you to write it down,’ she said. ‘You forgot the mustard.’”

  Remember the Alamo …

  Texas Governor Greg Abbott recently stood by his decision to order the state guard to monitor the US military amid fears from conspiracy theorists that an upcoming training exercise is really an attempt to take over the state.

  Abbott, who issued a letter to the Texas State Guard ordering it to oversee the US military training operation known as “Jade Helm 15,” said his decision was an attempt to function as a “communication facilitator” between the military and Texans concerned about the program.

  Jade Helm 15 has been described by the military as a “standard training exercise,” but conspiracy theorists have said the operation may be an attempt by the federal government to stage a military takeover of Texas.

  “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.”

  —Theodore Roosevelt

  “Probably the happiest period in life most frequently is in middle age, when the eager passions of youth are cooled, and the infirmities of age not yet begun; as we see that the shadows, which are at morning and evening so large, almost entirely disappear at midday.”

  —Eleanor Roosevelt

  Chuck Does …

  Chuck Norris, actor and conservative icon, has offered his two cents on whether or not President Obama plans to invade certain parts of Texas under the guise of “military training exercises,” and has firmly stood up for the side that says “Yes, that sounds entirely plausible.”

  Conservative media was consumed with talk that the Jade Helm 15 military training exercise scheduled to take place this summer was really a cover for a hostile takeover of Republican areas of the South deemed by the Obama administration as maybe a bit too patriotic.

  “Old age is the only disease you don’t look forward to being cured of.”

  —Citizen Kane

  Motor City Blues

  Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino was once asked during an interview with the New York Times magazine what other city he’d like to live in. He responded, “Detroit is a place I’d love to go.” When asked what he would do in Detroit, Menino said: “I’d blow up the place and start all over. No, seriously, when it takes a police officer ninety minutes to answer a call, there’s something wrong with the system.” Menino later had to apologize after Detroit Mayor Dave Bing said Menino was insensitive.

  “A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.”

  —Robert Frost

  But He Didn’t Inhale

  Canadian politics and politicians tend to get little attention in the United States. That changed dramatically after Toronto mayor Rob Ford admitted he had smoked crack cocaine. Allegations of the mayor’s drug use came up after a video surfaced showing Ford smoking crack. Ford denied the video existed until police said they had obtained a copy in the course of a drug investigation against a friend of Ford’s.

  “Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine, “Ford later told reporters. “There have been times when I’ve been in a drunken stupor. That’s why I want to see the tape.”

  Bearings, or Marbles?

  Seventy-two-year-old John McCain is the oldest person in US history to run for the presidency, when his opponent Barack Obama was forty-six. During the campaign Obama once accused McCain of “losing his bearings,” a polite way of saying that McCain is becoming senile. McCain, in turn, sometimes referred to Obama as “that young man with very little experience.”

  “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do.”

  —Golda Meir

  Oh, That Ron, Part II

  From a speech: “I have three things that I want to tell you today. The first is that I seem to be having a little problem with my memory. I cannot remember the other two.”

  It Was More of a Señor Moment

  Senator John McCain once had what many called a bizarre interview with a Spanish language radio station in Miami. During his talk he repeatedly gave vague answers about Latin America when asked about President José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero of Spain.

  In Spain, there seemed to be a specific line of thinking. The great majority appeared to think the McCain was simply confused and didn’t know who Zapatero was—something you might bone up on if you were about to do an interview with the Spanish press. The assumption seems to be that since he’d already been asked about Castro and Chavez, McCain assumed Zapatero must be some other Latin American bad guy.

  “It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.”

  —Anonymous

  Uncle Joe

  Vice President Joe Biden has stopped surprising people with his impolitic and spontaneous expressions. During a White House St. Patrick’s Day celebration, he briefly mourned the death of the Irish Prime Minister’s mother, even though she was very much alive. After he introduced President Barack Obama during the signing of a health bill, he turned to the president, unaware he was wearing a live microphone and said, “This is a big f—— deal.” With his use of the F word, Biden offered the ultimate blue-collar acknowledgment of a job well done. White House press secretary Robert Gibbs quickly came to the Vice President’s defense with a simple note on his official Twitter feed: “And yes, Mr. Vice President, you’re right …”

  Let’s Face It, She’s Hot

  During a Democratic fundraiser in Silicon Valley, President Barack Obama commended California Attorney General Kalama Harris, saying, “She’s brilliant and she’s dedicated, she’s tough.” He then added, “She also happens to be, by far, the best-looking attorney general.” As the crowd laughed, he continued, “It’s true! C’mon.”

  He later had to apologize, with his press secretary Jay Carney saying that the president did not want to diminish Harris’s professional accomplishments and abilities.

  Carney did not mention what Michelle had to say.

  I Sort Of Meant It

  President Barack Obama had promised Americans multiple times that they would be allowed to keep their insurance if they liked it under the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare. So when insurance companies sent out hundreds of thousands of cancellation notices for noncompliant plans in October and November, it created a political furor. The president later took the blame at a press conference, saying, “With respect to the pledge I made that if you like your plan you can keep it, the way I put that forward unequivocally ended up not being accurate.”

  “If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30 percent chance we’re going to get it wrong.”

  —Joe Biden

  Wishy Washy? Maybe I Am, Maybe I’m Not

  Under attack for changing his mind on important issues for political reasons, Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry explained his switch on a funding bill. “I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it,” he declared. That one sentence came to define the Massachusetts senator in the minds of many swing voters. Republican National Convention attendees taunted Kerry by waving flip-flops on the Madison Square Garden convention floor. Republicans repeated the ad from coast to coast. Kerry came close but fell just short of unseating President George W. Bush.

  Try Me

  When rumors first began circulating in 1987 that Democratic presidential frontrunner Gary Hart was having affairs, he taunted the press. “Follow me around,” he challenged the media. “It will be boring.” Well, they did. And it wasn’t boring. The Miami Herald discovered a woman named Donna Rice. The famous National Enquirer photos on the good ship Monkey Business followed. And Hart—whose campaign buttons stated “My Heart Belongs to Gary”—ended up jilted by voters.

  “Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than

  I am to be Vice President of the United States of

  America. Let’s get that straight. She’s a truly close

  personal friend. She is qualified to be Pre
sident of the

  United States of America. She’s easily qualified to be

  Vice President of the United States of America.

  Quite frankly, it might have been a better pick than me.

  But she’s first rate.”

  —Joe Biden, suggesting Obama’s former rival

  Hands On Prez

  Keep your hands to yourself, Mr. President.

  Aside from seeming rude, inappropriate, and slightly sexist, President George W. Bush’s shoulder rub to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, captured on film and video for all to enjoy, was a sight many people tried to forget. It was not one of Bush’s most mature moments and the move seems a bit more appropriate to a fourth-grade lunchroom than a meeting of heads of state.

  What’s in a Word?

  Are you from Poland? Then President Jimmy Carter wants to sleep with you. That’s what his translator, Steven Seymour, told the then-Communist country during the US President’s 1977 visit. Carter said he wanted to learn about the Polish people’s desires for the future; Seymour said that Carter desired the Poles. Carter said he was happy to be in Poland; Seymour said he was happy to grasp at Poland’s private parts. Carter talked about leaving the US to go on a trip; Seymour said that he had abandoned America forever. Then he spoke Russian—to a nation struggling under the thumb of the Soviet Union.

  A Stream of Senior-Moment Wisdom from George W.

  “I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn’t here.”

  —At the President’s Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, August 13, 2002

  “We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.”

  —Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

  “You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”

  —Townsend, Tennessee, February 21, 2001

  “Tribal sovereignty means that; it’s sovereign. I mean, you’re a—you’ve been given sovereignty, and you’re viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities.”