The Big Book of Senior Moments Read online

  Have to Quit Sometime

  Retirement terrifies sports stars. The end of a stunning praise-filled career can feel like falling off a cliff to an athlete who thrives on fame and fortune. And the longer the career, the harder the end game seems to be. For living legends, it’s especially tough to know how to quit. When World heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield turned fifty he still wanted to box professionally.

  “I’m not retired,” he says. “If I can get a championship fight, I will.”

  He would not just fight anyone—only top boxers.

  “I don’t think there’s anybody in this organization not focused on the 49ers … I mean Chargers.”

  —Bill Belichick

  He Had a Nice Trip

  Sometimes a brain freeze can produce surprising results. Dock Ellis was a fascinating figure, an outspoken and experimental pitcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates with a powerful arm. He also did something that no other baseball player has done—threw a no-hitter while peaking on LSD.

  Ellis dropped the hallucinogen before a 1970 game against the San Diego Padres, believing that the team had the day off. When his girlfriend picked up a newspaper and discovered that not only were the Padres playing but Ellis was scheduled to start, he rushed off to the stadium still feeling the effects of the drug.

  Ellis’s pitching was wild that day—he walked eight batters and beaned one—but no batter managed to contact the ball and his no-hitter record stands.

  Like Dying Twice

  Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was one of the world’s most famous basketball players. He remains the record all-time scorer in the National Basketball Association. He still has to duck to get his 7-foot, 2-inch frame through most doorways.

  But when he retired as a player in 1989, after twenty years of professional play, he was at a loss.

  “The first training camp that I missed, I was like, ‘Jeez, what am I going to do now?’” He quoted another sports legend—Jackie Robinson—to describe how he felt when he retired.

  “He said that athletes die twice,” Abdul-Jabbar said. “You know, when that first career is gone, that’s a death.”

  “All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.”

  —Anonymous

  Irrelevance

  Finding a passion off the court while she was still playing in major tournaments helped Martina Navratilova. When she was fifty-five the tennis superstar noted that after retiring, “you become irrelevant really quickly.”

  But because she never defined herself solely through tennis, she was able to accept the transition.

  “My sense of self-worth did not depend on winning matches,” she said. Instead she committed to keeping fit: she runs with her dogs, skis, cycles, and plays hockey. “And of course, I play tennis.”

  Navratilova serves as fitness ambassador for AARP, which she says she loves. Her advice to other athletes, professional and amateur? Play a new game when you get older.

  “Find another sport that you can really improve at, that you can get excited about, and have fun,” she said. Athletes can still satisfy their competitive drive, without comparing their current game to how they used to perform when they were younger.

  “Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.”

  —Joe Montana

  “Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they’re bigger than everybody else, and that’s what makes them the biggest guys on the field.”

  —John Madden

  Sex: Life is Sexually Transmitted

  Many moralists would be inclined to say that sex has been causing problems forever, that without the various tensions and pretenses and extreme means everyone takes to participate, the world would be a much better place. But really. We all love sex, I think, and we all have at one time or another given it a shot. And would like to continue. None of us would be around without it.

  “Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.”

  —Jeanne Moreau

  If Only I Could Remember

  When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

  He told me, “I have a twenty-two-year-old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit, and freshly ground coffee.”

  “Well, then why are you crying?” I asked.

  He added, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”

  I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

  He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.”

  I inquired, “Well then, why in the world would you be crying?”

  “I can’t remember where I live.”

  “At my age, getting lucky means finding my car in the parking lot.”

  —Anonymous Old Fart

  Plenty to Do

  If you’re not already depressed by how little action you’ve been getting lately, then you probably won’t feel any better learning that people in their seventies and eighties are still sexually active a lot of the time. A study found up to 54 percent of men and 31 percent of women report having sex at least twice a month. Astounds? No. Remember that oldsters are still people.

  Medical science is extending the human shelf life, which means people aren’t spending their twilight years hunched over a bowl of porridge—they’re actually living. And when their health permits, they can sometimes be found—but hopefully left alone—having sex. Researchers behind the study say doctors should consider this lifestyle trend in how they treat older patients.

  “First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up, and finally, you forget to pull it down.”

  —George Burns

  Eat Elsewhere

  An elderly couple was having trouble with their romantic lives. They visited the doctor who listened carefully, then pronounced his diagnosis.

  “At your age,” he stated, “you need spontaneity and immediacy. The next time you feel the urge, carry it out. I don’t care if it’s on the dining room table; take action.”

  The next month, the couple returned for their visit. “How did my suggestion work?” the doctor asked. “Great,” the man replied, “but we can’t eat at Shoneys’ anymore.”

  Careful with the Meat

  Andy Rooney, sage that he was, once observed: “Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over forty, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ here’s an update for you. Nowadays eighty percent of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”

  “Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.”

  —Dorothy Canfield Fisher

  Ask Dr. Ruth

  Dr. Ruth Westheimer wrote a book titled Sex After 50. “The important message really is to not give up. The idea in this country was: Why do older people engage in touching, or in arousal, or in sex? Grandchildren certainly think: My grandparents don’t do that! So my message—if anybody tells me that’s not what they want to do anymore, if anybody tells me, ‘I’ve done it. I’m finished.’—is ‘Wonderful. Go and read a good book.’

  “But for those people who want to engage in that activity, they have to know not to engage in sex in the evening, when they are tired. But to engage in sex in the morning. Go for breakfast, go back into bed, because the testosterone level is highest in the morning. And also, if one of the partners at [a] later sta
ge in life wants to have some sexual satisfaction, that’s what they should engage in. If the other one doesn’t want to, just lie there and think about the next meal.”

  “I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

  —Rodney Dangerfield

  Still Alive

  Not to rub it in, but another study, what some people called “unprecedented,” emphasized again that many older people are surprisingly frisky—willing to do, and talk about, intimate acts that would make their grandchildren blush.

  That may be too much information for some folks.

  The most comprehensive sex survey ever done among fifty-seven to eight-five-year-olds in the United States found that sex and interest in it do fall off when people are in their seventies, but more than a quarter of those up to age eighty-five reported having sex in the previous year.

  And the drop-off has a lot to do with health or lack of a partner, especially for women, the survey found.

  Middle age …

  “Middle age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.”

  —Ronald Reagan

  “Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.”

  —Ogden Nash

  “Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.”

  —Bob Hope

  “Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.”

  —Franklin P. Adams

  “Middle age is a time when you discover you keep on growing older, even after you are old enough.”

  —Donald Raddle

  “Middle Age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.”

  —Georges Clemenceau

  “Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.”

  —Ogen Nash

  “Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that’ll get you home earlier.”

  —Dan Bennett

  “Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”

  —Bob Hope

  Just Like a Baby

  Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said:

  “Slim, I’m 83 years old now, and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

  Slim said, “I feel just like a newborn baby.’’

  “Really!? Like a newborn baby?”

  “Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

  “Age is not important unless you’re a cheese.”

  —Helen Hayes

  Follow Their Example

  Fruit flies with better sex lives live longer, a University of Michigan study found: aging and physiology are influenced by how the brain processes expectations and rewards.

  It has long been accepted that for many species the expectation of food that does not become available shortens their lives. Now, researchers have found the same is true when it comes to expectations of sex that is denied. At least it appears to be true for male fruit flies.

  Male fruit flies that perceived sexual interest from their female counterparts—without the opportunity to mate—experienced rapid decreases in fat stores, resistance to starvation and more stress. The sexually frustrated flies lived shorter lives.

  Mating, on the other hand, partially reversed the negative effects on health and aging.

  “I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.”

  —Groucho Marx

  Listen to Your Doctor

  Morris, an eighty-two-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

  A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

  Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”

  The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.’”

  “Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.”

  —Satchel Paige

  Don’t Forget

  An eighty-year-old couple are having problems remembering things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong with them.

  They see the doctor and tell him about the memory problems they’ve been having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are physically fine but might want to start writing things down to help them remember. They thank the doctor and leave.

  Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Where are you going?” asks his wife.

  “To the kitchen,” he replies.

  “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” she asks.

  “Sure,” he says.

  She says, “Maybe you should write it down so you’ll remember.”

  “I’ll remember,” he says.

  “Well, I would also like some strawberries on top,” she adds. “You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget.”

  “I can remember that,” he says, as he begins to lose his patience. “You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

  “I would also like whip cream on top,” she adds. “I know you will forget so you better write it down.”

  Hopping mad he says “I don’t need to write that down! I will remember just fine.” He fumes into the kitchen to get the food.

  After about twenty minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “You forgot my toast.”

  Confession

  An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m eighty years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren. Last night I had an affair. I made love to two twenty-one-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

  The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

  “Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

  “So then, why are you telling me?”

  “Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!”

  “Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.”

  —Susan Ertz

  Senior Dating Ads

  You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads.

  Foxy Lady

  Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,

  80s, slim, 5’4” (used to be 5’6”),

  Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.

  Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

  Long-Term Commitment

  Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

  Serenity Now

  I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

  Winning Smile

  Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.

  Beatles or Stones?

  I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on

  Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar.

  If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

  Memories

  I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.

  If you can remember Friday, Saturday, an
d Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

  Mint Condition

  Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.

  Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

  Maybe a New Name Would Help with the Hubris?

  Discredited New York Congressman Anthony Weiner tried to use a run for the mayor of New York City in 2013 as a way to resuscitate his political career. Weiner had stepped down from his congressional seat in 2011 after he admitted to sending sexual explicit photos to a woman he met online.

  But Weiner’s mayoral campaign ran into more problems. Weiner admitted later that that he continued to send explicit photos and texts a year after his resignation. During a mayoral campaign stop on Staten Island, a retired teacher questioned Weiner’s “moral authority” to be mayor, telling Weiner, “Your standard of conduct is so much lower than the standard of conduct that’s expected of me.”

  Later, on the first day of Rosh Hashanah, a Jewish voter confronted Weiner outside a Brooklyn bakery, with Weiner asking repeatedly “you’re my judge?” The man told Weiner, “You talk to God, you work out your problems, but stay out of the public eye.” Weiner responded, “I’ve fought very hard for this community and delivered more than you will ever in your entire life.”

  Weiner ended up staying in the mayoral race but came in fifth in the Democratic primary.

  Stipulations

  An elderly couple reaching their seventies are about to get married, but before they say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.

  She said: “I want to keep my house.”

  He said: “That’s fine with me.”

  She said: “I want to keep my Cadillac.”

  He said: “That’s fine with me.”