The Big Book of Senior Moments Read online

  She said: “And I want to have sex six times a week.”

  He said: “Put me down for Fridays.”

  “Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

  —George Burns

  Question: How many days in a week?

  Answer: Six Saturdays, one Sunday.

  Not Hungry

  A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”

  She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”

  He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

  “A dirty book is rarely dusty.”

  —Anonymous

  Good Timing

  “My grandfather just died. In a way I’m quite proud of him. He died having sex with my grandma, he is ninety-three years old and was getting his thing on. Anyways my grandma said ‘We were doing it on Sunday morning, it was Sunday cause he could use the church bells to pace himself.’ I think he would be alive today if an ice cream van hadn’t gone past.”—Mitlancer

  That’s Why

  A ninety-seven-year-old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.” “Sir,” replied the doctor, “you’re ninety-seven. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?” “You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”

  “If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?”

  —Bette Midler

  Heavenly Rewards

  Sylvia:

  Hi! Wanda.

  Wanda:

  Hi! Sylvia.

  How’d you die?

  Sylvia:

  I froze to death.

  Wanda:

  How horrible!

  Sylvia:

  It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

  What about you?

  Wanda:

  I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

  Sylvia:

  So, what happened?

  Wanda:

  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

  Sylvia:

  Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.

  “Old age, believe me, is a good and pleasant thing. It is true you are gently shouldered off the stage, but then you are given such a comfortable front stall as spectator.”

  —Confucius

  At the Gym

  Let’s face it, working out is a pain in the ass and exercise is overrated. But I would reluctantly have to admit that there is no small amount of evidence that exercise and eating nutritious foods, and skipping that fourth lunchtime martini, have their benefits. Some people have even thrived.

  “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

  —Mark Twain

  Get Going

  A one hundred-year-old Japanese woman became the world’s first centenarian to complete a 1,500-meter freestyle swim, twenty years after she took up the sport.

  Mieko Nagaoka took just under an hour and sixteen minutes to finish the race as the sole competitor in the 100–104-year-old category at a short course pool in Ehime, western Japan.

  “I want to swim until I turn 105 if I can live that long,” the sprightly Nagaoka told Kyodo News.

  “Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.”

  —Samuel Johnson

  Not So Fast There, Hidekichi

  Sprinter Hidekichi Miyazaki, who was 103 when he nailed down the world record for the 100-meter dash in the 100–104 age category, clocking up a respectable 29.83 seconds.

  His late-blooming athletic prowess has seen him dubbed “Golden Bolt”—a reference to Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt.

  “Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness.”

  —Edward Stanley, the Earl of Derby, 1873

  The Comeback Kid

  Roy Rodriques, a ninety-year-old Connecticut resident, is determined to resume his career as one of the nation’s top senior athletes after a stroke and a heart attack in 2014. The nonagenarian, who speaks in the forceful, booming voice of a much younger man, acknowledges his days as a dominating senior sprinter are probably over. But there’s still the field part of track and field. “I’m going now to the fields. Shot put, discus, high jump!”

  When Rodriques retired in the early 1980s, he decided to compete in senior track and field events. As he aged, he began to dominate. He figures he’s won more than 100 medals in the 100, 200, and 400 meters, as well as the high jump, the triple jump, and other events.

  “I have a two-story house and a bad memory, so I’m up and down those stairs all the time. That’s my exercise.”

  —Betty White

  A Thought on Health

  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

  “Dying is the last thing I want to do.”

  —Anonymous

  “None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.”

  —Henry David Thoreau

  Take Your Time

  “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for pensioners [seniors]. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.”

  “Men are like wine: Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.”

  —Pope John XXIII

  Rose Is a Rose

  An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

  The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

  The other man said, “What’s the name of the restaurant?”

  The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, “Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”

  His friend replies, “A carnation?”

  “No. No. The other one,” the man says.

  His friend offers another suggestion, “The poppy?”

  “Nahhhh,” growls the man. “You know the one that is red and has thorns.”

  His friend said, “Do you mean a rose?”

  “Yes, yes that’s it. Thank you!” the first man says.

  He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

  “Well, I tell you, if I have been wrong in my agnosticism, when I die I’ll walk up to God in a manly way and say, Sir, I made an honest mistake.”

  —H. L. Mencken

  I’ll Drink to That

  Faukja Singh at 101 is the oldest person ever to complete a marathon, as in 26.2 miles, as in running. He finished the Toronto Waterfront Marathon in 8 hours and 11 minutes. In 2003 when he was a mere 93 years old, he completed the same marathon in just 5 hours and 40 minutes, a time most young adults would be proud of.

  Singh is a latecomer to the sport. He took up long-distance running his eighties as a way to cope with the tragic deaths of his wife and son. He’s celebrated in the running world, and even carried the Ol
ympic Torch during pre-celebrations for the London Olympics. He attributes his good health to a vegetarian diet and the avoidance of alcohol and tobacco.

  “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

  —Mark Twain

  Get to the Top

  And what could be more challenging and sublime than Everest, the tallest mountain in the world? Each year, hundreds of climbers head to Everest to attempt the summit and only a fraction make it to the top. And inevitably some perish during the journey. But the prospect of failure and the very real risks did not deter Min Bahadur Sherchan.

  At age seventy-six Sherchan became the oldest person to summit the 29,000-foot peak, male or female. She told reporters that she was climbing for a better world, remarking, “My main objective for climbing Everest was for world peace. I was determined to either climb the peak or die trying.” Her journey nearly ended in disaster when unexpected winds lashed the mountain during her ascent; but Sherchan persevered and cemented a spot in the record books.

  Ninety—Count Them—World Records

  Don Pellman of Santa Monica, California, is one of the most successful elderly track athletes in the world. He holds practically every American track and field record imaginable for the over-90 group, including long jump, high jump, discus, the 100 meter dash, triple jump and javelin throw. He also holds a number of 90+ world records. He attributes his good health to a common sense, healthy diet and suggests that people who want to stay in shape never use the elevator, but take the stairs instead, noting “I think most people don’t exercise enough.”

  “Don’t send me flowers when I’m dead. If you like me, send them while I’m alive.”

  —Brian Clough

  Remember This: Eat Well

  A recent report has noted you can avoid the memory lapses that affect so many of us older citizens by staying hydrated and eating select foods. Imagine that? The study monitored the eating habits of nearly thirty thousand participants in some forty countries over five years. In one word: superfoods. A superfood is easy to find in the grocery store, contains nutrients that are known to enhance longevity, and has other health benefits that are backed by peer-reviewed, scientific studies.

  Among the highlights:

  Drinking green tea will increase your metabolism, which will burn more fat. And the antioxidants found in green tea can help prevent cancer.

  Any type of whole grain in your diet—from barley to brown rice—will aid in weight loss by filling you up for fewer calories.

  Low-fat dairy is an important part of any superfood-focused diet. Yogurt in particular helps reduce the production of cortisol, a hormone that can slow metabolism.

  Beans, beans, and more beans. Black, kidney, white and garbanzo beans (also known as chickpeas) all end up on superfood lists because of their fiber and protein. They fill you up and provide muscle-building material without any of the fat that meat can add to your meal.

  Popeye knew. Spinach is a great source of iron, which is a key component in red blood cells that fuel our muscles with oxygen for energy.

  Walnuts are packed with tryptophan, an amino acid your body needs to create the feel-great chemical serotonin.

  Asparagus is one of the best veggie sources of folate, a B vitamin that could help keep you out of the mental doldrums.

  Broccoli makes the list because it’s one of nature’s most nutrient-dense foods, with only 30 calories per cup. That means you get a ton of hunger-curbing fiber and polyphenols—antioxidants that detoxify cell-damaging chemicals in your body—with each serving.

  “Age appears to be best in four things: old wood to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read.”

  —Francis Bacon

  “Just remember: Once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.”

  —Arthur Schopenhauer

  “A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.”

  —Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

  “In youth the days are short and the years are old. In old age the years are short and day’s long.”

  —Pope Paul VI

  “Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.”

  —Tom Stoppard

  “One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice changes from being young.”

  —William Feather

  Epitaphs and Funerals:

  The Ultimate Senior Moments

  It’s going to happen to all of us eventually. At some point in our lives—hopefully later than sooner—we will all croak. My own thought is that when it does, why not go out in style and with a message that might make people smile and think. Your epitaph (the word means “on the grave” in ancient Greek) might be the first time you have had done that.

  “We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse”

  —Bumper sticker

  “Life’s a beach, and then you drown.”

  —Anonymous

  “Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”

  —Groucho Marx in Day at the Races

  “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.”

  —Clarence Darrow

  Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

  When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world.

  As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.

  But it, too, seemed immovable.

  As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

  And now, as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.

  From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country, and who knows, I may have even changed the world.

  —Written on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop in Westminster Abby

  Prices Are Killing Me

  True story: A woman whose mother had died described making the funeral arrangements and kept cracking up while telling the story. Her mother expressed a wish for the cheapest coffin and fittings available because she wanted to be cremated. Her daughter went to the funeral home and chose a coffin to accommodate her mother’s last wish. There were two options for pillows, one $5 the other $20. “What’s the difference?” she asked. “The higher priced pillows don’t need ironing,” the funeral director said.

  “A star on earth—a star in heaven.”

  —Karen Carpenter

  “I like to look on the bright side: Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

  —Scott Frank

  “I never thought about heaven per se. I think when you’re dead, you’re dead. If anything happens after that, you just hope you don’t go to hell.”

  —Helen Thomas

  Seen on a Headstone

  “Now I know something you don’t.”

  —Anonymous

  “He died in bed.”

  —Tombstone of renowned gunfighter Doc Holliday

  “I told you I was sick.”

  —Tombstone of Spike Milligan

  “I’m in on a plot.”

  —Tombstone of Alfred Hitchcock

  “I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”

  —Tombstone of Winston Churchill

  “He enjoyed booze, guns, cars, and younger women until the day he died.”

  —Tombstone of Mike “Flathead” Blanchard

  “My tombstone? I’m thinking something along the lines of ‘Geez, he was just here a minute ago.’”

  —George Carlin

  “When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of ch
anging the world.

  As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.

  But it, too, seemed immovable.

  As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

  And now, as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.

  From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country, and who knows, I may have even changed the world.”

  —Written on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop in Westminster Abby

  “I’ve just read that I am dead. Don’t forget to delete me from your list of subscribers.”

  —Rudyard Kipling, writing to a magazine that had mistakenly published an announcement of his death

  “Here lies a man who knew how to enlist the service of better men than himself.”

  —Tombstone of Andrew Carnegie

  “That’s All Folks!”

  —Epitaph of Mel Blanc, the Man of a Thousand Voices

  “I will not be right back after this message.”

  —Tombstone of Merv Griffin

  “There goes the neighborhood.”

  —Tombstone of Rodney Dangerfield

  “I had a lover’s quarrel with the world.”

  —Tombstone of Robert Frost

  “So we beat on, boats against the current,

  borne back ceaselessly

  into the past.”

  —The Great Gatsby, from the tombstone of F. Scott Fitzgerald

  “This Grave contains all that was Mortal

  of a

  Young English Poet